Why We Lie

The other day another mom paid me one of the greatest, if not undeserved compliments, when she asked me to help her get organized. She was lamenting the constant juggle of children, their activities, keeping house and caring for ailing parents.

I felt so flattered she thought I had it “together” and reassured her that while I am doing a lot, I often feel I am not doing anything particularly well. Not mothering, being a wife, and certainly not my life as a writer.

Sure, I get by. The kids get fed, they get to their activities and their homework is turned in. I make sure they have clean clothes - even if straight from the dryer or, more realistically, from the pile that needs folding…

But as much as I tried to convince my friend this unbalanced act is the norm, I couldn’t help but feel guilty about the lies told a week earlier to two younger women from my alma mater.

I felt like a deer caught in headlights when one asked, “Is it possible? To have it all? Children, marriage and a career?”
Tell the truth or fib? I like to think I skirted along the thin line between both - being truthful by omission.

No one truly wants to hear being married and raising children is harder than any job. They certainly don’t want to know the challenges when you add a full-time job to the mix!

So as much as my friends and I bemoan these things no one told us when we were in college, neither are we the ones to divulge this truth. Because as hard as being a wife, mother and writer can be at times - this life is more rewarding than mere words can describe.

And, I guess, that’s no lie.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/ 

Schools Out For Summer

My Facebook status June 18 at 10:14am:

SactoWriteMama already sent the kids to their respective rooms. Now THAT’S what I call a summer “break.” Three weeks down, nine to go. Sigh.

 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/ 

 

Hug Them Tighter

One morning, I saw this photo posted on my of my Facebook friend’s pages. The description was simple: “Last night was one of the most scariest moments in my life.”

Of course I had to read the rest of her post and later got even more details when we visited in person.

Carol’s son had one of those clip-on reading lamps with a bendy neck - the kind you find at Target or Walmart - attached to his bed. When he was ready to go to sleep one night, he couldn’t turn it off, and put a pillow on top of it.

HOURS later, Carol awoke to an acrid burning smell and went immediately to her son’s room where she saw a thin trail of smoke rising from underneath the pillow. She lifted the pillow and found a toy figurine melted a crisp and burn spots on the pillow and sheet (and even on the mattress underneath). Her son was fast asleep and was none the wiser until the following day.

The next morning, Carol teared up when talking to her two children about what happened while they slept. The family reviewed fire safety and she hugged them both a little tighter that morning. Then she posted the picture on Facebook because she figured others had similar lamps in their homes and should be aware of the potential danger.

Even sharing the story now gives me chills and makes me want to hug my own a little tighter.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/ 

Happy Mom Day

I first became a mom two days before my first official “Mother’s Day.”

Two years later, I found out I was expecting my second child.

Nine years and counting. Today l reveled in the handmade cards, beaded bracelet, handpicked blooms and hugs from my two children.

Husbands may complain it’s a Hallmark holiday, but us moms know the truth.

Mother’s Day reminds us we are blessed. 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/ 

He Said What?!

I retreated to the water closet for the briefest moment of solitude.

Wisely, I locked the door. Nary a second passed when I heard the familiar rattle rattle of the brass door handle.

“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,” I called in my sing-song, annoyed mommy voice.

“Mommy,” my daughter whined, “Berkeley said the S-H word.” 

He said what? I thought to myself. But before jumping to conclusions, I asked the question:

“And what would that be?”

“He told me to ’shut up’,” my daughter called through the door.

A sigh of relief. Not ideal, but better than the alternative.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/ 

It Ain't Easy

In a moment of desperation, lifelines were cast out seeking help for the children.

Just as a new day dawned the lines got pulled in. One, two, three, four and more.

Now faced with a choice: Remain on the Titanic or board a lifeboat?

A spreadsheet is created with a list of “pros” and “cons” and “what next?”

So options are weighed. Carefully considered. Hope, in the end, the right decision is made.

No pressure. After all, it’s only their future.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/ 

A Teaching Moment

Over spring break, my husband and I took our children on a trip down memory lane.

In my life before children, carpools, homework and Girl Scouts I worked a two-year stint in Monterey County. During that time, my husband (then boyfriend) and I would spend weekends visiting beaches, bookstores and seafood eateries.

Our children always enjoy time by the ocean, so when friends said they were going to Monterey after Easter, we decided to tag along. It had been more than eight years since our last trip to the aquarium when our daughter was merely 9 months old!

One of our first stops was at a small beach near Fisherman’s Wharf where our daughter concentrated on collecting shells and our son climbed up and down the large, ocean-worn boulders. We reveled in the sheer joy they got out of sand between their toes and being together in such a perfect place.

The next day was spent at the aquarium. Hours and hours of animal feedings, touch pools and movies about the ocean. Just like at the beach, our kids were drawn to different things. My daughter was drawn to the otters, my son to the sharks and octopi.

All they learned became apparent on our long drive home when our son said, “I didn’t know sharks were real.”

“Really?” I asked. “Even though you have a book about sharks and you’ve seen movies?”

“No, no. I just thought they were pretend,” and he rattled off the names of sharks he’d seen at the aquarium.

This was a teaching moment for us as parents. Before actually seeing sharks inside those gigantic tanks, our son thought these creatures were the thing of myth and make believe. Full-color books on the species and several TV documentaries didn’t matter. He needed first-hand experience to truly understand.

Now, he’s fascinated with sharks, poring over his books every day, citing their names and facts to us like a little encyclopedia. Makes me realize just how much we are expected to teach our children and how big a task this truly is. 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/

Eyes Wide Open

Everywhere I look lately, I am noticing things in a way I never did before.

Is it a child’s recent diagnosis of ADHD? The friend who thinks her son might have Asperger’s? The couple met by chance with a child at 13  struggling with Fragile X?

Or is it that those with “special needs” have become more mainstream media fare?

There is the Temple Grandin biopic airing on HBO, the TV series “Parenthood,” Jodi Picoult’s new novel “House Rules,” and an essay this month in “Harper’s” magazine. All around me are images and stories - some fictional, most real - about parents raising children with special needs.

At times it can be overwhelming, taking it all in. But mostly it is freeing.

I see the look of recognition between grownups over towheaded children. Kindred spirits thanks to an experience so unique, suddenly shared.

It is also empowering. With each encounter, each story, we learn more. Not just about children whose journeys veer from the path followed by most, but about ourselves and strength found in advocating for our young.

Are things so different than in our parents’ day? Are diagnosis such as autism, Asperger’s or Fragile X really new? Or is it really that our eyes, ears, hearts and minds are open now to the fact that there are differences in some children that are really “OK.”

I can see clearly now.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/

Luck Of The Irish

So the other day, one of my kids found a four-leaf clover. No kidding!

I, too, was skeptical when my daughter ran up to me claiming her find after poring over the grass on her school campus. I mean, who hasn’t looked and looked to no avail?

When she handed me the clover, I gingerly turned the stem between my thumb and index finger: One… two… three… FOUR!

“I told you,” she said with a big grin.

Now, I don’t consider myself an overly superstitious sort but when we spotted a rainbow an hour later, it was very tempting not to give in to my kids’ pleas to go looking for a pot of gold at one end (or the other).

As we prepared to have friends over to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day yesterday, I hung the now dried-out four-leaf clover on our refrigerator per my daughter’s request. And I got to thinking.

Our family is already blessed, but within days of Barcelona’s clover find some positive changes happened in our lives. Sure, I know we worked hard the last few months, but I can’t help but think a little “luck of the Irish” didn’t hurt either! 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/

The Wisdom Of Dr. Suess

Last week, my kids celebrated the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s birthday with a week of activities at their school.

There were spirit days where students dressed in Seussical themes. One day everyone was encouraged to wear their pajamas, another a crazy color combination of clothing, then it was wear red-white-and-blue followed by all green - in honor of the tale “Green Eggs and Ham” of course. The middle school-age students at our K-8 campus created Seussville and lunchtime activities along with a series of poster put up around campus (see photos).

The school’s PTSA group hosted a Family Reading Night during which many of Dr. Seuss’s popular titles were read aloud to listeners of all ages. There’s something special about hearing “The Sneetches” - or any of Dr. Seuss’s stories - read aloud. As a parent, it is not often that I get to sit back and listen to someone read to me.

The week long festivities were a fun tribute to one of the best children’s authors ever. It was also the perfect time to enjoy the pleasure of reading his words and the insight they still  give us today.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com/

Some Days

Some days I stop and take a long look at my children:

The curve of their chins, long lashes resting on soft cheeks and dark locks.

Some days they resemble the toddlers still found in photographs.

Some days my two act more mature than their combined years.

Some days I yearn for years past when they fit so snug in my lap.

Some days I hold them there, ignoring lanky limbs that dangle from the old armchair.

Some days, like this one, I simply cherish their presence.

Today they are here. And they are mine.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com

Be The Change

Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to be an adult volunteer for a 7th grade Challenge Day at my neighborhood school. 

I spent a good part of the day prior trying to talk myself out of going, even though I have been looking forward to participating since dropping out due to a family emergency last year. Grumpy and overwhelmed by the clutter in my house, I kept telling myself I could better use seven hours on chores.

In the end, I managed to get up, get the kids out of the house and arrive to the school on time for the program. Three days later, I am so glad I did! Friends’ descriptions did not prepare me for this fantastic and intense experience.

Challenge Day is a series of activities - some fun, some serious - meant to break down the facade people tend to hide behind. By becoming “real” with one another and sharing our fears and dreams, participants develop a better understanding of their fellow human beings.

One of the exercises had participants cross a line every time something described applied to them. As I watched many young people cross the line again again, I was overwhelmed with the reality of how much children have to endure - from racism to the loss of a parent.

When I returned to my small group, I shared what I learned from the exercise… If I had known other kids were also facing challenges at home and at school when I was their age, life would have been just a little easier. This is something I want to hold onto as my kids get older.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com

Much Ado About School Closures

If you live in the Sacramento region, and pay any attention at all to news of public education’s demise, you’ve heard about plans by several local school districts to close/consolidate campuses in the coming year(s).

I live in the Natomas Unified School District where a history of poor decisions, poor money management and equally poor public relations make the board of trustees’ decision to close a school (or two) even harder to swallow than in neighboring districts.

One thing is certain, our schools - no matter the number of impassioned and involved parents - are an endangered species. And I’m not just talking about those slated for closure.

Public education dollars continue to dwindle and little relief is in sight even if Race To The Top provides an injection of funds. What are proponents of public education to do?

I don’t pretend to have the answer, but the important thing to remember is that my school district - and your school district - are not alone in this scenario. Perhaps we can work together on a solution. 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com

Forget The Past & Move On

I would not be a very good parent were I to get mired in the past of my own childhood.

For all the joys of being a child, there also was a measure of heartache. The disappointment of a parent more interested in adventure than his offspring, a man who could not keep his promises and who was rarely there.

Growing up, I shed a lot of tears because of my father’s shortcomings. There came a time in my life, however, when I reached a crossroads in our relationship and I gave him a choice: be there or go away.

He chose to be there. When that happened, something shifted. No longer did I bemoan the man my father would never be. I forgave him for all the times he failed me. From that point on, I was no longer focused on the past and instead became future-oriented.

Fast forward several years. I am now the parent of two beautiful children. I am part of their life adventure and I am present. Better yet, their father stands by my side.

Did I ever forget the man my own father was? No. But I forgave him.

This was an important lesson for myself, and my children, as I later welcomed my father into our lives and home. People make mistakes, even people who love us. Should the mistakes of our fathers define us? Or can we learn from them and do better?

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. This is an important lesson we can all teach our children.

“Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.” (Philippians 3:13) 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com

Do The Right Thing

One of the biggest challenges of parenthood is knowing whether or not you are doing the right thing.

It’s starts at birth: Natural or epidural? Breastfeed or formula feed? Cloth diapers or disposable?

Every step of the way we are faced with more choices. How to discipline? Preschool or not? Immunizations?

In the past week, it was a decision about the other child’s health. My son had been experiencing abdominal pains nightly for several days and a visit to the pediatrician seemed to rule out anything serious until our little guy was writhing in pain later that same night and again the next afternoon. I pretty much decided to take him to the ER and even had the kids (and overnight bags) already in the car when the pediatrician called back and said, “Yes, take him in.”

Everyday we ponder, we research, we go with our gut, and oh, how we try to do the right thing by our children.

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com

Rites Of Passage

When my daughter asked to get her ears pierced for Christmas, my first response was to tell her: 

“No, you’re too young.”

It just so happened that my own mom was with us at the time and she quickly reminded me that I was two years younger when I had my ears pierced. So for Christmas, my husband and I gave Barcelona a little jewel box with a note “for your earrings” inside.

The days that followed, however, Barcelona simply replied: “No, not yet!” when asked whether she was ready to go get her ears pierced. Yesterday she surprised me with a bold announcement first thing in the morning that she wanted to get them pierced TODAY!

So we packed up and went to a neighborhood jewelry store, picked out her birthstone earrings and filled out the necessary paperwork. When Barcelona asked whether it would hurt, I couldn’t answer. My grandmother pierced my ears with a clothes pin and a sewing needle. I could not remember whether there was any pain and I had no idea what it felt like with an ear piercing gun.

But the perky young gal working at Claire’s reassured Barcelona the procedure was quick and virtually painless. My little one proved a trooper with her eyes barely welling up after the first ear had been pierced. The second ear was done quickly and she was proud of her own bravery.

My daughter getting her ears pierced is a true right of passage, but am I ready for her to grow up? No, not yet! 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com

Yum Yum Dim Sum

When I was a child, my mom always tried to bring the world to me through cuisine. Only on special occasions would we go to the local French restaurant for their famous onion soup, drive to the next town over for Chinese food, or dine at a brand-new Japanese eatery.

A road trip before a big move saw us stop in San Francisco where we ate dim sum together for the first time. It was magical how the little dishes of food showed up table side steaming with different exotic foods. We still recall with humor turning down the chicken feet. I was 9 years old.

Years of living in Hawaii opened our palates up to more delicious foods from around the world like sashimi, kalbi, and lau lau. When we returned to the mainland, we sought out these foods over the years to quench our craving for something other than chicken and rice.

The tradition now continues with my own children. They devour lumpia I fry up at home. Their Nana often cooks homemade kalbi when the kids have sleepovers. And the four of us like to go to dim sum together.

With one child game to try almost everything, and one who is often wary, it has been fun to watch as they develop a taste for different foods that hopefully prepare them for even more cultural experiences as they grow. 

written for http://blog.sacramentoparent.com